


how much love would make you whole?

by gayxiaolong



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Catra - Character Study, F/F, Post-Canon, Recovery, but not by a lot. just a few days after, catra has a little breakdown in the bathroom in the middle of the night like we all do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24694861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayxiaolong/pseuds/gayxiaolong
Summary: There wasn't much Catra recognized, looking at herself in the mirror.***or, Catra struggling with how she feels after the war
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 105





	how much love would make you whole?

**Author's Note:**

> (title from I Belong to You by Muse)

There wasn't much Catra recognized, looking at herself in the mirror. There was a disconnect that had grown between who she saw looking back at her and the person she was trying to be. The pink and purple backdrop of the Bright Moon castle didn't fit her yet, either, she thought. The light coming from outside the bathroom wasn’t enough to fully light her face, and in those shadows she saw everything she had done wrong, every form of a villain she was sure she represented to everyone else. She could swear she saw her eyes flash green for a moment.

Choking down a sob, Catra backed away from the mirror until she felt the wall behind her. Sliding to the floor, she curled in on herself and dug her nails into her skin. Tears fell silently as she tried to retract her claws. They’d done enough.

Seeing her hair short, on occasion, still came with an ache that pooled in her stomach. The discomfort grew, her mind racing but unable to land on any memory other than how her hair came to be this way. This hair was a representation of the conformity forced upon her on Horde Prime’s ship. The ends had started to curl at her neck, but they weren't yet long enough to cover the remnants of the Hivemind chip etched into her skin. The pain seemed to spread from her neck until her whole body was shaking. 

As she heard the gentle ‘plop’ of tears hitting the floor, Catra realized how much she hated feeling like this. The feeling of uselessness and helplessness associated with crying over things she knew couldn't hurt her anymore. Regardless, the memories still did. Her brain still hadn't caught up to the fact that the war was over. Her life was so happy now, so why did she still hurt?

She ached so badly to be different, to just be the Catra that came back, that sacrificed herself on Prime’s ship. Instead, she still felt like the same Catra that hurt people- that hurt Adora. Both versions of herself came together to make whatever type of person she was now, she knew, but sometimes she wished she could just know what her life would be like if things were different. If she had left the Horde sooner. If she had let herself be vulnerable. If she had told Adora she loved her before the actual end of the world. If she and Adora were raised by anyone other than Shadow Weaver. 

How much had she lost from years of trauma, and how much was she still losing? There had been so many nights of lying awake to avoid the nightmares. Closing her eyes came with visions of green pools, shadows snaking over her and Adora as children, Horde Prime’s sinister expressions, and Shadow Weaver dying. Of course she had died doing what she loved- manipulating the situation to suit her and, in the process, scarring Catra and Adora. The worst vision by far was watching nails digging into Adora’s back, with the knowledge that they were her own.

The good memories starting to eclipse over the traumatic ones was the only thing starting to ground her to this reality, where the tile floor of the bathroom was cold against the pads of her feet. When the tears started to dry, she thought about the first night on Mara’s ship. Adora helped wash the gel out of her hair- the nasty, thick paste used to slick her hair back to blend in to the monotonous army of clones. That night had been too early for her to admit she needed help, or company, but she was still being torn apart by flashes of green, electric pools and feeling Prime’s emotions. She didn't want help, but she needed it. And Adora was there.

Everyone else was, too. She wasn't expecting friendship with the Princesses to be so easy. One night, Adora and Bow were away with Entrapta making repairs and plans to prepare Darla for their road trip. Catra was fully prepared to spend the night alone, but Sparkles had other plans. They spent the night on the floor of Glimmer’s giant bedroom telling stories about their partners and shoveling cake into their mouths at full force at 2 am. Catra had thought middle-of-the-night cake eating was just a Best Friend Squad activity, but she supposed that included her now, too.

She remembered the first night her and Adora curled up in bed together after defeating Horde Prime. Catra had curled up at the foot of the bed instinctively before Adora pulled her up the bed and into her arms with a giggle that was impossible not to join in on. That night, Catra fell asleep to the feeling of fingers in her hair. Adora ran her hands through the short mess on top of her head, braiding small sections and drawing circles with her fingers. The braids had more of her short hairs sticking out than actually forming a braid, but the feeling of being taken care of, even in this small way, was enough to counter every bad emotion she had in her. 

So much hurt was being replaced by these new memories- slowly, but enough to see a bright path forming ahead. Catra had gotten used to sleeping alone, especially after moving up to Force Captain and not even having the sounds of other cadets to feel like company. She sometimes slept at the foot of her empty bed in her quarters to pretend foolishly like Adora was still with her, but now she slept in Adora’s arms every night. Feeling a hand on her face didn't come with the manipulation of Shadow Weaver, but the fondness Adora touched her with. The fear of abandonment that clouded her relationships before had been replaced by the easy friendship she found in the Best Friend Squad and the pure happiness in her new life with Adora. Her hair didn't feel like it belonged on her, but Adora loved it and her regardless. 

Everything Adora has touched has sunshine woven through it, Catra has learned. Slowly, all the painful memories that scarred her were being replaced by ones of joy. Slowly, the world Catra had come to view as against her has been rebuilt in pure light. Slowly, love, patience, and trust were finding a place in her life deeper than where anger and isolation had been there before. 

Catra got up off the floor and looked in the mirror one more time, trying instead to see herself as Adora would. Adora told her the other day that she’s been glowing ever since they confessed their feelings. Catra had rolled her eyes.  _ ‘It’s probably because you saved the world, dummy, not because I like you.’ _

_ “We,” Adora replied. Catra cocked her head, confused.  _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “We saved the world. Not me,” was her answer. Her eyes looked so full of love, a love Catra was still trying to convince herself she deserved. Adora didn’t need convincing. She had always loved her.  _

Adora had forgiven her, over and over again. It was time for Catra to learn to forgive herself. 

She turned back to the bedroom, the tension leaving her body as soon as she saw her girlfriend in bed. She was fast asleep, sprawled out over more than her half of the bed and snoring softly. Catra rolled her eyes at how much bed territory she expanded into during her trip to the bathroom. 

With the lack of space on the bed, Catra took the opportunity to lay close to Adora, being careful not to wake her up as she got under one of her arms. 

“I love you,” Catra whispered, not to remind the sleeping girl beside her, but for herself. Her words were a promise, stretching before them.

Still half asleep, Adora stirred just enough to get more comfy, bringing her arm up to cradle her girlfriend's head. Her fingers found their home in Catra’s hair. Catra felt tears fall from her eyes again, this time the kind that heal instead of hurt. She had never felt more safe. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi so i wrote this in a feverish state and it's my first real attempt at a fic so i hope you enjoyed !
> 
> anyway you can find me on twitter @gayxiaolong as well :) thanks for reading


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